Just Like That Uncle Mike Was Never Asked to Babysit Again Ben O brien

'I spent 3 YEARS sitting outside my son's school to cure his phobia': Writer and female parent Amanda Egan now wonders whether she was devoted or deluded

• Son Ben, at present 17, developed condition known equally 'school refusal'
• Ben was at The Harrodian, a mixed individual schoolhouse in Barnes, south London

Published: 01:22 BST, 27 December 2012 | Updated: 03:51 BST, 27 December 2012

There were times, I must admit, when I felt a bit sorry for myself. Especially when pelting pelted downward on the roof or when it was so hot fifty-fifty winding down the windows didn't assistance.

Nigh days, there'd be a point when my sciatica jabbed me and I longed to stretch my creaking legs.

This is what happens when y'all spend three years cooped up in a auto - a compact Fiat at that - from 8.30am until 4pm each mean solar day.

Peace at last: Amanda Egan, pictured with her son Ben, at present 17, spent three years sitting in the car outside his school when he adult a phobia of going to form

When I say years, I hateful bookish years, because my long vigil took identify exterior my son Ben's secondary school, all day, every day. It was the but manner I could keep him there.

This bizarre situation evolved subsequently my son, at the age of eleven, developed a condition known as 'school refusal', a fiddling-known phobia which meant Ben was so terrified of going to course he suffered panic attacks. The only affair that appeased him was to know that I was waiting in the vicinity. Then that is what I promised to do.

It sounds farthermost, but I kept my side of the deal because, well, that's what mothers do, isn't it?

And six years on, it has paid dividends: not only is Ben now a committed student, but I used all that spare time to write a novel.

Of course, I've grown used to people's incredulity or even ridicule over the years. 'Y'all fell for that i?' is a common response. 'Any child would want to be diagnosed with schoolhouse phobia!'

And there were those who accused me of making it worse by indulging his fears. Just school phobia is non petulance. It's scary and crippling and very existent, every bit only those who have had panic attacks can tell y'all. And it strikes without alert.

Time well-spent? Amanda Egan used the time she spent sitting in the car outside Ben'due south school in London to write a novel

In Ben'southward case, information technology started on the fourth twenty-four hour period of his kickoff yr at secondary school in September 2006.

My hubby Roy and I had selected The Harrodian, a mixed private school in Barnes, Due south London, considering it was known for its caring environment.

As whatsoever parent who has ever dealt with this condition knows, when information technology first hits you accept absolutely no idea what yous're dealing with

Ben seemed a fiddling anxious on his offset solar day, a Wednesday, but naught out of the ordinary. We didn't speak of it much over the weekend, merely when I walked him to his form room on the Monday - something a few of the parents did to aid their children abound accustomed to big school - panic struck.

'I can't do it!' he said, his face ashen.

'Of course you tin can,' I reassured him. 'Y'all'll be fine.' I nudged him beyond the threshold, waved and turned away.

Information technology wasn't until I reached my machine that he caught up with me. Tears were streaming down his face and he was gasping for jiff. I had never seen him like that. 'I tin't stay there,' he shouted. 'I just tin't!'

At-home earlier the storm: Ben aged nine, left, and 11, correct, just earlier his debilitating phobia of school developed

He was followed by his form tutor, who was very agreement. Together, we tried to coax Ben into returning - we simply did so by like-minded that I would wait outside his form room during registration.

Merely panic swept over him once again when it was time for the first lesson of the day.

Then come up the darker thoughts: Is he being bullied? Or even abused? But Ben has ever denied that any ane event triggered his response. Ironically, he'south likewise always insisted he loved the schoolhouse

He complained of having a headache and feeling ill and so I hoped that was the crusade of this behaviour, and agreed to take him dwelling house. My married man, who is very laid-dorsum and quite the reverse of me, assured me it was nothing to worry virtually. 'Only a blip,' he said.

But the side by side morn there were the same histrionics. And the next, and the next. I was securely worried.

Some days the schoolhouse nurse would be chosen, other times the caput of yr would climb inside the car to try to talk Ben round.

Dorsum dwelling house, Roy and I took turns to speak to him. All to no avail.

Equally any parent who has e'er dealt with this condition knows, when it outset hits you accept absolutely no idea what yous're dealing with.

In fact, you think the very things that others take asked. Is he playing up? Am I spoiling him?

And you try everything - from confiscating his PlayStation to  bribing him with new games or breaking downwards in tears yourself.

Schoolhouse refusal: Ben developed his fear of going in to the classroom on his starting time day of secondary school at The Harrodian in Barnes

Then come the darker thoughts: Is he existence bullied? Or even abused? Only Ben has always denied that whatsoever one effect triggered his response. Ironically, he'south as well e'er insisted he loved the school, proverb: 'I just don't know why it happens.' Thankfully, none of the other pupils ever taunted Ben. He didn't brand many friends, but at that place was ane male child, Gabriel, who was very loyal and understanding.

Once he was diagnosed, information technology was a question of encouraging him to accept baby steps: enter the class room, sit through a full lesson, stay for a half-mean solar day, then a total twenty-four hours

After ii weeks, we were referred to the school counsellor. Past that point I'd already taken Ben to our GP's surgery for blood tests in case information technology was a physical trouble but nothing had shown up. I saw the counsellor on my own at first and straight away she mentioned the words 'school phobia'.

She said she'd worked with a  couple of cases before, one of which had opted for habitation-schooling.

I knew that would be the very terminal resort. Ben is an but kid, and then it was important for him to mix with others, and he's so much brighter than me, I could never keep up. From and so on, Ben saw the counsellor every week, afterward which she phoned to discuss his progress.

Nosotros too paid for him to encounter a child psychologist on three occasions. But we found Ben just told everyone the same thing: 'Yes, I volition try harder next time.'

Once he was diagnosed, it was a question of encouraging him to take infant steps: enter the form room, sit down through a full lesson, stay for a half-day, and so a full day.

Just a bleep? When Ben began refusing to go to schoolhouse Amanda'southward hubby said in that location was nothing to worry near, only Amanda ended upwards waiting outside the gates for three years just to keep their son in the classroom

Meanwhile, I remained in the background - for the first term this meant sitting outside his classroom reading. From then on, I could sit in the motorcar outside.

Luckily, I could run my domestic dog-minding business from at that place, booking pets in with our various minders on the phone.

Progress was slow and there were many setbacks. Sometimes Ben would curl into a ball and weep for an hour before even daring to walk through the schoolhouse gates

I was likewise fortunate that Roy and I pulled together, rather than letting it create a division.

Roy, at present 56, was really not bad with Ben and never lost his temper. One day he handed him a baked bean can with a specially made characterization: 'Success comes in CANS!'

'This is to remind y'all that you lot can do it,' he said.

Ben laughed and nodded, agreeing again that he would requite information technology his best shot. Information technology was 1 of many touching moments.

Progress was dull and in that location were many setbacks. Sometimes Ben would curl into a ball and cry for an hour earlier even daring to walk through the school gates. I can't tell yous how helpless y'all feel witnessing something like this.

For his entire first year, Ben only e'er attended school for half the day - during which time he would visit me after every lesson.

Devoted or deluded? For one whole year Ben just attended school in the morning, and Amanda - who was accused by other mothers of mollycoddling him - would bulldoze him home after lunch where he would continue reading or working

At lunch, I would bulldoze him home, where I insisted he go on reading or working until the end of the schoolhouse mean solar day. Sometimes other mums knocked on the car window: 'You lot're mollycoddling him. Why don't you lot simply tell him you're going dwelling and he has to stay here.'

If only it had been that easy. Every time I so much as suggested leaving, Ben broke down.

I hoped the problem would evaporate over the summer holiday, merely the 24-hour interval before his second year began, Ben burst into tears once more

Once I mentioned that I might pop to the shops for half an hour while he was in class and he went into a massive panic . . . weeping and hyperventilating.

Afterwards that I didn't dare chance  leaving. What else could I do?

Of course at that place were times when I blamed myself - was this a result of my parenting skills? I racked my brains for potential causes.

I hoped the problem would evaporate over the summer holiday, only the day earlier his 2d year began, Ben outburst into tears again.

This is when I started staying in the car for the unabridged schoolhouse day - Ben no longer returned home at dejeuner but continued to come up and see me subsequently every single lesson.

I adult a routine, bringing a packed lunch and chick-lit. I got through a book a day. The school allowed me to apply the staff loos.

In the past: Ben, pictured now, aged 17, jokingly refers to his school phobia as his 'mad phase'

I stayed in position exterior the schoolhouse throughout his third year, just in his quaternary, in 2009, the counsellor drew up a plan to gradually movement him towards independence.

For the first few weeks, Ben  visited me only at morning break-time. Then we limited it to merely in one case or twice in the afternoon.

And, in Jan 2010, Ben spent his start day at school without me there. We kept in contact past text.

I felt similar a patient released  from infirmary after a long stay. Suddenly, I had my life back.

Ben, however, was remarkably flippant. Despite his crippling anxiety, he has always been a joker. 'Oh, yes, I'm a big boy now, Mum!' he said. He was 15.

Nigh important, Ben, at present 17, is in the upper sixth and has put those nighttime days behind him.

He attained nine Every bit and Bs at GCSE, despite his express time  in class, and is at present studying for A-levels in French, graphic design and business studies.

He's besides a fellow member of a band and performs in school assemblies and fairs - something we never could have imagined a couple of years ago. He jokingly refers to his phobia as his 'mad phase'.

There's always the adventure of a recurrence, merely I am hopeful Ben is cured. After all, I can't imagine myself sitting in the Fiat exterior his future work place!

Amanda Egan's Kindle book, Diary Of A Mummy Misfit, is bachelor now.

dustinprighorky84.blogspot.com

Source: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2253436/I-spent-THREE-YEARS-sitting-outside-sons-school-cure-phobia-Amanda-Egan-wonders-devoted-deluded.html

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